August 31, 2009

Avoid reality television like the plague - it is visual crack. Once they get you, you're in for life.

August 28, 2009

Celebrate your Friday by getting your protest on. Write a letter today, addressed to the manufacturers of alarm clocks. Feel free to cut and paste - it's not plagiarism if you have permission!

Dear alarm clock manufacturing guys:
Please find a sound that is less annoying. We promise we will still get up. Pinky promise, hand to God, cross our hearts and hope to die. Perhaps we would be less bitchy if we weren't waking up to an f***ing foghorn every damn morning.

Sincerely,
The World.

August 27, 2009

If I could get rid of all the stupid people in the world, I'd die a happy woman. A lonely one, but happy nonetheless.

August 26, 2009

Not to bust your bubble or anything, but the reason that your "results may vary" from those on the diet pill commercials is that they don't work. Trust me, my chunky butt has tried them all.

August 25, 2009

It's all fun and games until someone gets the clap.

August 24, 2009

Honestly, I don't mean to harp on this whole traffic thing, but, some people just cannot drive. If you suspect you might be one of those people (i.e. you regularly have accidents, get tickets, get horns blowed at you, fingers flipped, curses shouted...), please use public transportation. Accept that we can't all be good at everything and go ahead and hitch that ride with a friend. For all of us, really.

August 21, 2009

Just say no - don't drink the damn Kool-Aid.

August 20, 2009

Lay off the "Reply All" there, slick. Nobody really cares about your (ahem) "witty" banter. Feel free to just reply to one person at a time, preferably someone who has time for your b.s.

August 19, 2009

How's about we stop putting on makeup in the car, ladies? Tip of the cap to the heifer who nearly ran me off the road this morning, though - you sure did keep me on my toes whilst you put that mascara on...

August 18, 2009

Perhaps I am starting off my workweek just a WEE bit pessimistically, but, in my opinion, the band Cowboy Mouth said it best:

"The dealer deals and then the dealer's screwed."

Murphy's Law, baby. Sometimes you just cannot win, no matter how hard you try. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, kids, but it's true.

August 14, 2009

Perhaps your rearview mirror is not the best place for a dreamcatcher, seeing as they are designed to catch bad DREAMS. If you are sleeping behind the wheel, perhaps you shouldn't be driving in the first place. Just a thought...

August 13, 2009

When you stop and smell the roses, make sure you don't get a bug up your nose. Trust me.

August 12, 2009

If you are old enough to have a job, you are old enough to know that your feet have the funk...don't wear flip flops to work. Trust me, the aroma wafts...you WILL lose friends.

August 11, 2009

Not to be all "channeling your grandma" and whatnot, but: "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be real neat and wipe the seat." (or any variation thereof) is a GREAT piece of advice - take it.

August 11, 2009

P.S. for yesterday's post. Mustaches are also acceptable for the dad (Paul Teutel, Sr.) from American Chopper and in conjunction with a goatee/beard. Otherwise, just say nay.

August 10, 2009

This one's for the men: unless you are a Bavarian brewmaster, Geraldo Rivera, Burt Reynolds or over the age of 70, mustaches are never a good idea.

August 7, 2009

For most people, Crazytown is a very short trip. Be careful - they'll try to get you to come with them.

August 6, 2009

Please, for the love of God, stop the superfluous apostrophes in the world. Plural does not equal possessive. For example:

Our daily specials are meat loaf and chicken pot pie. CORRECT. The "s" after "special" is indicating that there is more than one special.

Our daily special's are meat loaf and chicken pot pie. STUPID. Think about what an apostrophe does - it indicates possession and/or shortens contractions. This sentence now reads "Our daily special is are meat loaf and chicken pot pie."

THINK, people. THINK.

August 5, 2009

Sometimes, no matter how good you are, how many little old ladies you help across the street, how white your whites are or how you managed to only put 1 quarter in the swear jar today, life sucks. It just does. I don't know who wrote this, but it sure puts things in perspective:

"Life's a bitch, because if it was a slut, it'd be easy."

Ain't it the god's truth?

August 4, 2009

This one isn't an original of mine; I saw it on a tee shirt. It is, nonetheless, amazingly helpful. "An apple a day still leaves you 2-4 servings short of your daily fruit recommendations." Put that in your pipe and smoke it, medical community...

August 3, 2009

A little public service announcement brought on by the recent barrage of advertising: the only thing you should EVER do for a Klondike* bar (or any other mediocre ice cream novelty) is take your happy ass down to the store and spend the whopping buck.


*the copyright to the name "Klondike bar" belongs to Unilever United States, Inc., or a subsidiary thereof.