September 28, 2009

If you ever check in to a hotel room and see a flyswatter hanging on the wall, grab your things, march back to the desk and demand a refund. Drive away. Quickly.

September 25, 2009

If you can't fix it with duct tape or WD-40, it is empirically impossible for it to be fixed.

September 24, 2009

Always drink your morning orange juice BEFORE brushing your teeth.

Septembe 23, 2009

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Just something to consider next time you bring a knife to a gunfight.

September 22, 2009

If you are sick (like me) and either cannot afford to stay home or your boss won't let you, be sure you spread your funktastic germs all over his/her desk.

September 18, 2009

Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but winter is a-comin'. Plan now.

September 16, 2009

Companies of the world: I know how we are all concerned for the environment and about keeping costs down. That being said, spring for the 2-ply toilet paper. In case you didn't know, the "usees" just use twice as much when there is only 1 ply, so you are neither saving trees nor money.

September 15, 2009

Friends don't let friends be a$$holes.

September 14, 2009

Today's advice really only goes out to one person: Kanye West, please stop being such a douchebag. Thank you.

September 11, 2009

Remember those who lost their lives on this day. No, seriously - that's it. Nothing snarky today.

September 10, 2009

Enough with the bumper stickers. If your candidate has won (or lost) the election already, take it off. I don't care about "whirled peas," if you love your Shar Pei, that your kid is an honors student or if you are a member of the NRA. And, by the way, I would probably be able to "start seeing motorcycles" if I wasn't busy rolling my eyes at your damn bumper stickers.

September 9, 2009

Similarly to women not applying mascara behind the wheel, men should NEVER shave whilst commuting. You see, what happens is that when you are focused on seeing yourself in the mirror your car tends to drift. Into my lane. Running me off the road. Either go for the rugged look or get up 5 minutes earlier. Problem solved.

September 8, 2009

Do your job. Complete your projects on time, particularly if other people depend upon you to do THEIR work. Sigh.

September 4, 2009

NEVER buy your child a shirt with a cuss word on it. For example: I recently saw the perfect tee shirt for me. It had a picture of a laughing sunshine on it and said, and I quote, "Little Miss F*cking Sunshine." Perfectly describes me - c'mon, I'm not exactly pissing rainbows here, people. Then I saw that it came in child's sizes. Tears were shed for the demise of all that is good and right in society...

September 3, 2009

If your car won't start when you try to leave for work, just call it a day; it's a sign from God that you weren't meant to make it in. Go ahead and call in now.

September 1, 2009

Pull up your damn pants. I (and the rest of the world) are tired of seeing your underwear, your crack and/or your entire ass. Enough.