July 31, 2009

The most frightening words in the English language do not involve murder, mayhem, torture, evil, Satan, possession, etc. They are "Mommy, there's poop on the stairs..."

July 30, 2009

When the world has got you down and nothing is going your way, always remember this: there is no problem too big for a big 'ole dose of Aretha Franklin to cure. If you should happen for some ungodly reason to be a soulless music-hating blob who doesn't respond to her amazing voice, then just picture her ginormous boobies in your mind. Seriously, they're the size of basketballs. Chuckle away. See, either way, your problems seem just a bit better, now don't they?

July 29, 2009

Club soda really CAN get out anything...well, except for ketchup. Oh, and blood. And doggie vomit. And kitty vomit. And syrup. And kool-aid. And orange juice. And spaghetti sauce. Actually, now that I think about it, club soda kinda sucks. Nevermind.

July 28, 2009

Sorry for the sick day yesterday - migraine.

Anyhoo, everything's better with a "ma'am" or "sir" on the end of it. Compare:

"Kiss my a$$!" - sounds rude, no?

"Kiss my a$$, ma'am." - much more sedate, loving even.

Your mother was right: you should always be polite.

July 24, 2009

People always say "wish in one hand, crap in the other, see which one fills up first." Why on earth would you do that? No matter how many shooting stars, wishing wells or dandelion puffs are involved, and even if the wish DOES come true, you still have a hand full of crap. The lesson: don't do everything everyone tells you to do...

July 23, 2009

For the love of all that is good and holy, do not wipe your boogers onto the stall doors/walls of your nearest public restroom. You have toilet paper at your disposal - use it.

July 22, 2009

This one goes out directly to my employer - there is really NO reason for the drastic temperature swings in this building every day. They are called thermostats - they sell them at hardware and discount stores all over the world. Install that bad boy, pick yourself a temp, then just walk the hell away. The infamous "Showtime Rotisserie Oven" informercial (you KNOW you've seen it - Ron Popeil? Inventor of the Ronco food dehydrator and the Pocket Fisherman?) said it best:
"Set it and forget it!"

July 21, 2009

Wikipedia is NOT a valid source for citation purposes.

July 20, 2009

These words are NOT interchangeable. Proofread what you write. When you misuse words that a 2nd grader should know, you look like an idiot.

• waist/waste
• loose/lose
• you're/your
• they're/there/their
• choose/chose

July 17, 2009

When your neutered male dog starts humping your neutered male cat, pray. This is a sign of the apocalypse. Don't believe me? Look it up. "Ghostbusters" said it best: "Dogs and cats living together...it'll be anarchy."

July 16, 2009

If you are older than 65, on a fiber regimen or taking Alli/Xenical/Meridia/any other weight-loss drug, NEVER trust a fart.

July 15, 2009

Happy birthday to my wonderful hubby!

And now for today's wisdom:

At the risk of pissing countless people off, I must say the following. I genuinely respect Michael Jackson's talent. I wish his family and his children well. I am sad that he never got to stage his comeback and I would have loved to have seen him in concert one day. That being said, please let the man actually REST in peace. He has moved on...can't we all?

July 14, 2009

Don't cook in the nude. Particularly bacon - it splatters, you know.

July 13, 2009

Tempting fate is bad.
For example: when your "gas needed" light comes on (in whatever form that may be, depending on your car), just stop and get some gas. Yes, it would indeed make for a great story for all your little friends about how you coasted into this remote gas station, the last one for miles, and had to put 11.92 gallons into your 12-gallon tank - whew! Contrarywise, you know what is NOT a great story? "I had to walk 3 miles in the pouring rain at midnight in the rain to buy a gas can and 1 freaking gallon of gas then carry it back to my car just so I could make it to the gas station because I'm a dink and wouldn't listen to Allison's 'hint of the day.'"

July 10, 2009

This SHOULD go without saying, but alas, it cannot. Please don't eat in the bathroom. It's gross, unsanitary and just plain old creepy. If you ARE going to eat in the bathroom whilst doing your business, at least clean up your food wrappers.

July 9, 2009

This one will serve you well in business and pleasure - don't interrupt people. Not only does it pi$$ them off (thus securing yourself a good, old-fashioned a$$-kicking somewhere down the road), but it makes you look like a self-important douche. And one day you will likely find someone who doesn't have the patience for it and, trust me, you WILL get your little feelings hurt.

July 8, 2009

Charge your cell phone. Really. Trust me on this one. Even if you never talk on it, the one time you need it, no juice...

July 7, 2009

Attention companies (churches, charities, etc.) around the world - TURN DOWN YOUR HOLD MUSIC. In theory I would like to be able to actually hear and understand the person when I finally get them on the phone...

July 6, 2009

Pardon my french here for the salty language here, but whilst driving into work at 5:30 in the am, there is clearly not that much traffic. You CAN and should go around me if you have issues with my going only 15 miles an hour over the speed limit. Stay off my ass - I should be able to see your headlights in my rearview at all times - if I can't, you are too damn close.

July 2, 2009

Where does the time go? Alas...

Today's hint - spend the extra money on the premium, lotion-filled, aloe-enriched, snazzy facial tissues. When you are sick (like I am), you'll thank yourself. Your nose will thank you as well. Alternatively, if you buy the cheap-ass, feel-like-sandpaper ones that if you squint you will swear actually contain bits of tree bark, you will be kicking yourself for being a tightwad.