October 29, 2009

Not to rain on your parade, but sometimes you have to accept that a good 3/4 of the world is dumber than you. You must learn to deal with them, as they scare easily and might run away, but they will return, and in greater numbers.

October 28, 2009

Since I suck and forgot it yesterday, happy birthday to my wonderful mom, Judy!

Now for today's hint - while I realize that accidents happen, should you scrape a car in a parking lot (say, for example, a 2007 red Corolla), leave a freaking note. If you are a "hit and runner," karma will get you.

October 26, 2009

Lest ye want nausea bad enough to keep you a runnin' back and forth to the bathroom all day, do NOT take ibuprofen on an empty stomach. And no, eating right AFTER you take it will not help.

October 22, 2009

Just don't even bother ever washing your car. As soon as you do, it'll rain anyway. Consider this God's car wash, and your free gift for dealing with traffic every day.

October 21, 2009

I have said it before, I'll say it again: if you get the old H1N1, the seasonal flu or just a bad cold, stay the hell home. Your friends and coworkers (nor our families) do not need your funk.

October 20, 2009

If you make a mistake (at work, home, wherever), just admit it. It will save you and any other involved parties much grief, hand-wringing, stress and general pissiness.

October 19, 2009

Put your damn cart away at the grocery store. Trust me, wherever you shop, there is one of those big, fat cart corrals within 10 feet of you. Walk your happy ass over there and return it. Don't leave it in the space next to you. Don't put it on the grass. Don't leave it by a bike rack. It's just asking for trouble.

October 16, 2009

I don't care how new, fancy, pur-dy or fabulous your car is. When you work at a company with about 10,000 of your closest friends you do NOT deserve two parking spaces. Accept it - dings, nicks and scratches are a part of life. Either wrap your car in bubble wrap of keep Maaco on speed dial.

October 14, 2009

If you can't spell "buy one get one free" (i.e. you instead say "by one get one free",) do me a favor and go live in a cave somewhere. You should not be able to walk amongst civilized people.

October 12, 2009

Sorry to say it, but you won’t fit back into those jeans you wore in the 9th grade. Let them go.

October 9, 2009

Now that winter cold season is upon us, spend the extra money on the premium, lotion-filled, aloe-enriched, snazzy facial tissues. When you are sick, you'll thank yourself. Your nose will thank you as well. Alternatively, if you buy the cheap-ass, feel-like-sandpaper ones that if you squint you will swear actually contain bits of tree bark, you will be kicking yourself for being a tightwad and will have a nose as red and shiny as a certain reindeer who shall remain nameless. (He was the one in the front…)

October 8, 2009

It's okay to not like somebody. Some people are just horrid - let go of the guilt.

October 6, 2009

Yes, it's raining. Yes, it may be inconvenient. Stop bitching about it, though. You will NOT melt. They're called umbrellas - buy one.

October 5, 2009

Attention ladies - the automatic door opener intended for disabled persons in the restroom is NOT there to make sure your hands don't have to touch a germ or two. Just use a paper towel or clean your hands with an antibacterial gel. Don't be a douchebag.