December 31, 2009

Party hearty, but don't drink and drive. No, seriously, just don't.

December 22, 2009

When you are leaving a room or building and there is someone DIRECTLY behind you, hold the damn door for her. It is ridiculously rude to not do it, and it will require a whopping one second of your time.

December 21, 2009

Unless you are under the age of 5 or actually ON a farm, overalls are never a good idea.

December 17, 2009

Yes, it is only 8 days until Christmas. No, you do not need to run my a$$ over at the WalMart to get to the f*cking Brut gift sets. I'm just sayin'...

December 16, 2009

Personal space is your friend, particularly if you have some body odor issues. I should NEVER be able to touch you, smell you or feel your breath on the back of my neck. Back it up there, buttercup.

Your 4-wheel-drive vehicle is actually designed to help you get OUT of the ditch you slid into while driving 70 mph in white-out conditions. It is NOT designed to KEEP you out of the ditch. Slow down.

December 10, 2009

I don't care if your body temp makes you feel like you are in a furnace - do not wear shorts when the wind chill is -18. You look like you should be riding the short bus.

December 8, 2009

FYI - Turning your remaining headlight on bright does NOT compensate for the fact that you are missing one. All it does it make other drivers hate you. There is either a Wal-Mart or an auto parts store every twenty feet. Spend the 5 bucks.

December 7, 2009

If you make your living as a copywriter, learn how to f***ing write. Otherwise other people have to waste their time fixing your crap and get bad karma because they are secretly plotting your death.

December 3, 2009

Don't leave the house with wet hair when the temp is below freezing. Hairsicles are not a good look and they are a bitch to brush out.

December 1, 2009

Keep your perk to yourself. Especially before 6 am. It's too damn early for that sh*t.

November 30, 2009

Don't wear open-toed shoes and panty hose. You look like a tard.

November 24, 2009

This one goes out to the great state of Minnesota. If you are going to drive like a bat out of hell in the snow - and I know you are - then don't slam on your damn brakes and cruise along like a little old lady when it is sprinkling rain.

November 23, 2009

Orange Glo makes your hardwood floors slippier. Plan ahead. If just might save you from sliding onto your arse. It will thank you.

November 18, 2009

Don't cuss in front of your kids. It may seem funny for little Johnny to bust out the f-word, but, trust me - the rest of the world is judging you and has pretty much decided that you are the worst parent in the world.

November 17, 2009

Ladies of the workforce - a few hints. 1. Wear a bra. Especially when it's cold. 2. Take a shower. Slathering yourself in perfume doesn't count. 3. Tone down the old makeup. Don't come to work looking like a wh*re. That's all I got. Follow those and live a long and happy life.

November 10, 2009

Feed your dogs some peanut butter now and then. It's a win-win. They like the taste, and you will laugh your a$$ off whilst they try to get it off the roof of their mouth.

November 5, 2009

If you are going to do some shopping whilst at your desk, you might want to think twice about giving your credit card number and VIN. We can hear you, by the way.

November 2, 2009

For all of you men out there. Never, ever, ever, ever tell the woman in your life the following:

1. You look fat/you gained weight
2. Your hair is going gray
3. You have a few wrinkles around your eyes or mouth
4. "The girls" are not as perky as they used to be
5. Some other woman is more attractive than you
6. Some other man is more attractive than you

You're going to want to trust me on this one. Forget that "scorning" business - there is no fury like a woman embarrassed. They have fury AND determination at that point. Strange things could be afoot. If you want to take your chances by saying some of these things, you're on your own - they're your nuts...

October 29, 2009

Not to rain on your parade, but sometimes you have to accept that a good 3/4 of the world is dumber than you. You must learn to deal with them, as they scare easily and might run away, but they will return, and in greater numbers.

October 28, 2009

Since I suck and forgot it yesterday, happy birthday to my wonderful mom, Judy!

Now for today's hint - while I realize that accidents happen, should you scrape a car in a parking lot (say, for example, a 2007 red Corolla), leave a freaking note. If you are a "hit and runner," karma will get you.

October 26, 2009

Lest ye want nausea bad enough to keep you a runnin' back and forth to the bathroom all day, do NOT take ibuprofen on an empty stomach. And no, eating right AFTER you take it will not help.

October 22, 2009

Just don't even bother ever washing your car. As soon as you do, it'll rain anyway. Consider this God's car wash, and your free gift for dealing with traffic every day.

October 21, 2009

I have said it before, I'll say it again: if you get the old H1N1, the seasonal flu or just a bad cold, stay the hell home. Your friends and coworkers (nor our families) do not need your funk.

October 20, 2009

If you make a mistake (at work, home, wherever), just admit it. It will save you and any other involved parties much grief, hand-wringing, stress and general pissiness.

October 19, 2009

Put your damn cart away at the grocery store. Trust me, wherever you shop, there is one of those big, fat cart corrals within 10 feet of you. Walk your happy ass over there and return it. Don't leave it in the space next to you. Don't put it on the grass. Don't leave it by a bike rack. It's just asking for trouble.

October 16, 2009

I don't care how new, fancy, pur-dy or fabulous your car is. When you work at a company with about 10,000 of your closest friends you do NOT deserve two parking spaces. Accept it - dings, nicks and scratches are a part of life. Either wrap your car in bubble wrap of keep Maaco on speed dial.

October 14, 2009

If you can't spell "buy one get one free" (i.e. you instead say "by one get one free",) do me a favor and go live in a cave somewhere. You should not be able to walk amongst civilized people.

October 12, 2009

Sorry to say it, but you won’t fit back into those jeans you wore in the 9th grade. Let them go.

October 9, 2009

Now that winter cold season is upon us, spend the extra money on the premium, lotion-filled, aloe-enriched, snazzy facial tissues. When you are sick, you'll thank yourself. Your nose will thank you as well. Alternatively, if you buy the cheap-ass, feel-like-sandpaper ones that if you squint you will swear actually contain bits of tree bark, you will be kicking yourself for being a tightwad and will have a nose as red and shiny as a certain reindeer who shall remain nameless. (He was the one in the front…)

October 8, 2009

It's okay to not like somebody. Some people are just horrid - let go of the guilt.

October 6, 2009

Yes, it's raining. Yes, it may be inconvenient. Stop bitching about it, though. You will NOT melt. They're called umbrellas - buy one.

October 5, 2009

Attention ladies - the automatic door opener intended for disabled persons in the restroom is NOT there to make sure your hands don't have to touch a germ or two. Just use a paper towel or clean your hands with an antibacterial gel. Don't be a douchebag.

September 28, 2009

If you ever check in to a hotel room and see a flyswatter hanging on the wall, grab your things, march back to the desk and demand a refund. Drive away. Quickly.

September 25, 2009

If you can't fix it with duct tape or WD-40, it is empirically impossible for it to be fixed.

September 24, 2009

Always drink your morning orange juice BEFORE brushing your teeth.

Septembe 23, 2009

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Just something to consider next time you bring a knife to a gunfight.

September 22, 2009

If you are sick (like me) and either cannot afford to stay home or your boss won't let you, be sure you spread your funktastic germs all over his/her desk.

September 18, 2009

Not to be a Debbie Downer here, but winter is a-comin'. Plan now.

September 16, 2009

Companies of the world: I know how we are all concerned for the environment and about keeping costs down. That being said, spring for the 2-ply toilet paper. In case you didn't know, the "usees" just use twice as much when there is only 1 ply, so you are neither saving trees nor money.

September 15, 2009

Friends don't let friends be a$$holes.

September 14, 2009

Today's advice really only goes out to one person: Kanye West, please stop being such a douchebag. Thank you.

September 11, 2009

Remember those who lost their lives on this day. No, seriously - that's it. Nothing snarky today.

September 10, 2009

Enough with the bumper stickers. If your candidate has won (or lost) the election already, take it off. I don't care about "whirled peas," if you love your Shar Pei, that your kid is an honors student or if you are a member of the NRA. And, by the way, I would probably be able to "start seeing motorcycles" if I wasn't busy rolling my eyes at your damn bumper stickers.

September 9, 2009

Similarly to women not applying mascara behind the wheel, men should NEVER shave whilst commuting. You see, what happens is that when you are focused on seeing yourself in the mirror your car tends to drift. Into my lane. Running me off the road. Either go for the rugged look or get up 5 minutes earlier. Problem solved.

September 8, 2009

Do your job. Complete your projects on time, particularly if other people depend upon you to do THEIR work. Sigh.

September 4, 2009

NEVER buy your child a shirt with a cuss word on it. For example: I recently saw the perfect tee shirt for me. It had a picture of a laughing sunshine on it and said, and I quote, "Little Miss F*cking Sunshine." Perfectly describes me - c'mon, I'm not exactly pissing rainbows here, people. Then I saw that it came in child's sizes. Tears were shed for the demise of all that is good and right in society...

September 3, 2009

If your car won't start when you try to leave for work, just call it a day; it's a sign from God that you weren't meant to make it in. Go ahead and call in now.

September 1, 2009

Pull up your damn pants. I (and the rest of the world) are tired of seeing your underwear, your crack and/or your entire ass. Enough.

August 31, 2009

Avoid reality television like the plague - it is visual crack. Once they get you, you're in for life.

August 28, 2009

Celebrate your Friday by getting your protest on. Write a letter today, addressed to the manufacturers of alarm clocks. Feel free to cut and paste - it's not plagiarism if you have permission!

Dear alarm clock manufacturing guys:
Please find a sound that is less annoying. We promise we will still get up. Pinky promise, hand to God, cross our hearts and hope to die. Perhaps we would be less bitchy if we weren't waking up to an f***ing foghorn every damn morning.

Sincerely,
The World.

August 27, 2009

If I could get rid of all the stupid people in the world, I'd die a happy woman. A lonely one, but happy nonetheless.

August 26, 2009

Not to bust your bubble or anything, but the reason that your "results may vary" from those on the diet pill commercials is that they don't work. Trust me, my chunky butt has tried them all.

August 25, 2009

It's all fun and games until someone gets the clap.

August 24, 2009

Honestly, I don't mean to harp on this whole traffic thing, but, some people just cannot drive. If you suspect you might be one of those people (i.e. you regularly have accidents, get tickets, get horns blowed at you, fingers flipped, curses shouted...), please use public transportation. Accept that we can't all be good at everything and go ahead and hitch that ride with a friend. For all of us, really.

August 21, 2009

Just say no - don't drink the damn Kool-Aid.

August 20, 2009

Lay off the "Reply All" there, slick. Nobody really cares about your (ahem) "witty" banter. Feel free to just reply to one person at a time, preferably someone who has time for your b.s.

August 19, 2009

How's about we stop putting on makeup in the car, ladies? Tip of the cap to the heifer who nearly ran me off the road this morning, though - you sure did keep me on my toes whilst you put that mascara on...

August 18, 2009

Perhaps I am starting off my workweek just a WEE bit pessimistically, but, in my opinion, the band Cowboy Mouth said it best:

"The dealer deals and then the dealer's screwed."

Murphy's Law, baby. Sometimes you just cannot win, no matter how hard you try. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer, kids, but it's true.

August 14, 2009

Perhaps your rearview mirror is not the best place for a dreamcatcher, seeing as they are designed to catch bad DREAMS. If you are sleeping behind the wheel, perhaps you shouldn't be driving in the first place. Just a thought...

August 13, 2009

When you stop and smell the roses, make sure you don't get a bug up your nose. Trust me.

August 12, 2009

If you are old enough to have a job, you are old enough to know that your feet have the funk...don't wear flip flops to work. Trust me, the aroma wafts...you WILL lose friends.

August 11, 2009

Not to be all "channeling your grandma" and whatnot, but: "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be real neat and wipe the seat." (or any variation thereof) is a GREAT piece of advice - take it.

August 11, 2009

P.S. for yesterday's post. Mustaches are also acceptable for the dad (Paul Teutel, Sr.) from American Chopper and in conjunction with a goatee/beard. Otherwise, just say nay.

August 10, 2009

This one's for the men: unless you are a Bavarian brewmaster, Geraldo Rivera, Burt Reynolds or over the age of 70, mustaches are never a good idea.

August 7, 2009

For most people, Crazytown is a very short trip. Be careful - they'll try to get you to come with them.

August 6, 2009

Please, for the love of God, stop the superfluous apostrophes in the world. Plural does not equal possessive. For example:

Our daily specials are meat loaf and chicken pot pie. CORRECT. The "s" after "special" is indicating that there is more than one special.

Our daily special's are meat loaf and chicken pot pie. STUPID. Think about what an apostrophe does - it indicates possession and/or shortens contractions. This sentence now reads "Our daily special is are meat loaf and chicken pot pie."

THINK, people. THINK.

August 5, 2009

Sometimes, no matter how good you are, how many little old ladies you help across the street, how white your whites are or how you managed to only put 1 quarter in the swear jar today, life sucks. It just does. I don't know who wrote this, but it sure puts things in perspective:

"Life's a bitch, because if it was a slut, it'd be easy."

Ain't it the god's truth?

August 4, 2009

This one isn't an original of mine; I saw it on a tee shirt. It is, nonetheless, amazingly helpful. "An apple a day still leaves you 2-4 servings short of your daily fruit recommendations." Put that in your pipe and smoke it, medical community...

August 3, 2009

A little public service announcement brought on by the recent barrage of advertising: the only thing you should EVER do for a Klondike* bar (or any other mediocre ice cream novelty) is take your happy ass down to the store and spend the whopping buck.


*the copyright to the name "Klondike bar" belongs to Unilever United States, Inc., or a subsidiary thereof.

July 31, 2009

The most frightening words in the English language do not involve murder, mayhem, torture, evil, Satan, possession, etc. They are "Mommy, there's poop on the stairs..."

July 30, 2009

When the world has got you down and nothing is going your way, always remember this: there is no problem too big for a big 'ole dose of Aretha Franklin to cure. If you should happen for some ungodly reason to be a soulless music-hating blob who doesn't respond to her amazing voice, then just picture her ginormous boobies in your mind. Seriously, they're the size of basketballs. Chuckle away. See, either way, your problems seem just a bit better, now don't they?

July 29, 2009

Club soda really CAN get out anything...well, except for ketchup. Oh, and blood. And doggie vomit. And kitty vomit. And syrup. And kool-aid. And orange juice. And spaghetti sauce. Actually, now that I think about it, club soda kinda sucks. Nevermind.

July 28, 2009

Sorry for the sick day yesterday - migraine.

Anyhoo, everything's better with a "ma'am" or "sir" on the end of it. Compare:

"Kiss my a$$!" - sounds rude, no?

"Kiss my a$$, ma'am." - much more sedate, loving even.

Your mother was right: you should always be polite.

July 24, 2009

People always say "wish in one hand, crap in the other, see which one fills up first." Why on earth would you do that? No matter how many shooting stars, wishing wells or dandelion puffs are involved, and even if the wish DOES come true, you still have a hand full of crap. The lesson: don't do everything everyone tells you to do...

July 23, 2009

For the love of all that is good and holy, do not wipe your boogers onto the stall doors/walls of your nearest public restroom. You have toilet paper at your disposal - use it.

July 22, 2009

This one goes out directly to my employer - there is really NO reason for the drastic temperature swings in this building every day. They are called thermostats - they sell them at hardware and discount stores all over the world. Install that bad boy, pick yourself a temp, then just walk the hell away. The infamous "Showtime Rotisserie Oven" informercial (you KNOW you've seen it - Ron Popeil? Inventor of the Ronco food dehydrator and the Pocket Fisherman?) said it best:
"Set it and forget it!"

July 21, 2009

Wikipedia is NOT a valid source for citation purposes.

July 20, 2009

These words are NOT interchangeable. Proofread what you write. When you misuse words that a 2nd grader should know, you look like an idiot.

• waist/waste
• loose/lose
• you're/your
• they're/there/their
• choose/chose

July 17, 2009

When your neutered male dog starts humping your neutered male cat, pray. This is a sign of the apocalypse. Don't believe me? Look it up. "Ghostbusters" said it best: "Dogs and cats living together...it'll be anarchy."

July 16, 2009

If you are older than 65, on a fiber regimen or taking Alli/Xenical/Meridia/any other weight-loss drug, NEVER trust a fart.

July 15, 2009

Happy birthday to my wonderful hubby!

And now for today's wisdom:

At the risk of pissing countless people off, I must say the following. I genuinely respect Michael Jackson's talent. I wish his family and his children well. I am sad that he never got to stage his comeback and I would have loved to have seen him in concert one day. That being said, please let the man actually REST in peace. He has moved on...can't we all?

July 14, 2009

Don't cook in the nude. Particularly bacon - it splatters, you know.

July 13, 2009

Tempting fate is bad.
For example: when your "gas needed" light comes on (in whatever form that may be, depending on your car), just stop and get some gas. Yes, it would indeed make for a great story for all your little friends about how you coasted into this remote gas station, the last one for miles, and had to put 11.92 gallons into your 12-gallon tank - whew! Contrarywise, you know what is NOT a great story? "I had to walk 3 miles in the pouring rain at midnight in the rain to buy a gas can and 1 freaking gallon of gas then carry it back to my car just so I could make it to the gas station because I'm a dink and wouldn't listen to Allison's 'hint of the day.'"

July 10, 2009

This SHOULD go without saying, but alas, it cannot. Please don't eat in the bathroom. It's gross, unsanitary and just plain old creepy. If you ARE going to eat in the bathroom whilst doing your business, at least clean up your food wrappers.

July 9, 2009

This one will serve you well in business and pleasure - don't interrupt people. Not only does it pi$$ them off (thus securing yourself a good, old-fashioned a$$-kicking somewhere down the road), but it makes you look like a self-important douche. And one day you will likely find someone who doesn't have the patience for it and, trust me, you WILL get your little feelings hurt.

July 8, 2009

Charge your cell phone. Really. Trust me on this one. Even if you never talk on it, the one time you need it, no juice...

July 7, 2009

Attention companies (churches, charities, etc.) around the world - TURN DOWN YOUR HOLD MUSIC. In theory I would like to be able to actually hear and understand the person when I finally get them on the phone...

July 6, 2009

Pardon my french here for the salty language here, but whilst driving into work at 5:30 in the am, there is clearly not that much traffic. You CAN and should go around me if you have issues with my going only 15 miles an hour over the speed limit. Stay off my ass - I should be able to see your headlights in my rearview at all times - if I can't, you are too damn close.

July 2, 2009

Where does the time go? Alas...

Today's hint - spend the extra money on the premium, lotion-filled, aloe-enriched, snazzy facial tissues. When you are sick (like I am), you'll thank yourself. Your nose will thank you as well. Alternatively, if you buy the cheap-ass, feel-like-sandpaper ones that if you squint you will swear actually contain bits of tree bark, you will be kicking yourself for being a tightwad.

June 30, 2009

This one will serve you will for the rest of your days - check the level of toilet paper BEFORE you sit down to do your business.

June 29, 2009

In case you haven't heard, we actually live in a car culture. Not everything in the universe is conveniently located by a walking path, bike trail or via public transit. I am all for reducing my carbon footprint, not wasting resources, saving the Earth for my grandchildren, but I live 25 miles away from work and I have to get there somehow. Get the hell off my back, honestly. I don't need a lecture first thing in the morning. Not really setting myself up for a grand old day...

June 26, 2009

Be a good person - pick up after your dog. And yes, I am indeed implying that you are a bad person if you don't do it.

June 25, 2009

When using a public restroom, flush the gosh darn toilet. 'Nuf said.

June 24, 2009

Should you work in a cubicle farm (like myself), DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, discuss test results or make sensitive doctor appointments at your desk. I couldn't give a rat's a$$ if you are making an appointment for a dental cleaning or eye exam. No big whoop. That being said, however, nothing with the following words should EVER be overheard at work:

• Penis (or any variation thereof including "penile" "penal")
• Ovary
• Uterus
• PAP Smear
• Cervical
• Breast
• Rectum
• Prostate
• Colon
• Wart
• Boil
• Anything else even the least bit remotely gross

June 23, 2009

Summer = hot weather; hot weather + people = sweat; sweat = funk; shower + deodorant > funk. Therefore...in hot weather, take a shower and wear deodorant so as to not smell. I don't care if you do it for yourself, do it for the rest of us.

And BTW, cheap-ass cologne or perfume do NOT cover funk.

June 22, 2009

Another traffic tip - the left lane is called the "fast lane" for a reason; people go FASTER there. If you know for a fact that you don't plan on keeping up with this crazy social compunction, keep to the right.

P.S.

Happy birthday to me!

June 19, 2009

There IS some truth to the old adage about adding an inch to your hemline for every 5 years over 30. Just because you CAN wear a minskirt doesn't mean you SHOULD wear one...

June 18, 2009

NEVER touch a stranger's child whilst out in public, particularly MY child, unless you want to draw back a nub. I don't know you, I don't know where your hands have been, I don't know if you are going to hurt her - stay away. Seriously.

June 17, 2009

If you are trying to do a little something-something for Mother Earth and are recycling aluminum cans, make ABSOLUTELY SURE the cans are empty before you crush them. Trust me on this one.

Bonus hint - 6/16

Traffic signals only come in the one shade of green. It is what it is - if you see ANYTHING in the green family, hit the gas (it's the vertical pedal on the right) and just freaking go.

June 16, 2009

You're never too old for a nap. Always remember that.

Today's Hint for Life

Coke Zero + Big Red Chewing Gum = BAD.